Morning Routine

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If I told the world how I made my bed everyday, I don’t think I would be an accepted part of the global community anymore.

I’m going to tell you anyways, because the global community is full of corrupted individuals with no self-worth or sense of inner value.

When I wake up each mid-morning, I do a moderate stretch with my arms and back to get the blood flowing, I think that is a pretty usual thing for people. Then a swing my legs to the floor and come to a sitting position on my bed. With my arms I reach down and wiggle my front toes and then my back ankle gets a decent rubbing. My diabetes has been shameful as of late. I clasp my ear lobes and pull down with a great force, and as I feel my ear canal being punished, my eyes widen and my mouth drops open in pain and I finally stand up for the day.
I put on my wife’s spooky lingerie, apply a fair amount of facial makeup and proceed to undress my manikin in an overly seductive manner. Mm-mm… Grabbing the end corner, I tear my blankets off my bed. I spin like the dancer I always wanted to be. I grab the first sheet and with the finesse of Athena, I lay it over my bed perfectly; there are no folds to be seen, and as the sun shines from my window the bed has a dream-like glow to it.  I grab the light comforter and as if to emulate Toby McGuire’s famous Spider-Man jump from the building, I apply the blanket to the bed. There is a feeling of completeness, nirvana has almost been reached.
I remove the florescent purple lipstick from my plump lips and give myself a wink of satisfaction and proceed with the rest of the bed making. The pillows were purchased from Amazon.com and are made from combination of giraffe fur for the cover and peacock feather to provide the ultimate in pompous, illegal support. I pick them up and place them gently on the bed and then gyrate my loins and touch myself.

Then the big blanket. I put my body in the Goddess pose and give my best war-cry, and slowly cascading into a sweet song as I invoke Patrick Swayze’s dance moves. I grab the bed as my body flies through the air in a seemingly erratic fashion, pick up the blanket with my delicate yet muscular toes. I then put my body into Crane pose from the edge of the bed, fling my legs over my back and the blanket falls with the grace of the Olympian Gods and covers my bed.

My bed is now made and I am ready to get my business done. I undress, remove the rest of the makeup, put on my suit and tie and head to work. I usually order papa johns for lunch.

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About advilsmith

I enjoy writing nonsense and things I find funny but may be and are probably inappropriate to other people. I also enjoy a good rant every now and then. I have maintained several blogs in the past and all are just filled with ridiculous content. I believe the internet is here so I may extrude my strange thoughts and odd stories upon the masses. For what is the internet if not a place to reach out and entertain, inform, and be insane?
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