Here Comes Santa Clause, here Comes Santa Clause, right down Alcohol Lane.


Why don’t we ever hear of Mrs. Clause? There was a time when I was younger (I’m 26 now) when she was around. She helped Santa with the lists and the checking and making food before the annual flight. I’m a bit concerned though with all this mass consumerism going on that maybe she left him. Think about it; Everyone is buying shit on the cheap online and during Black Friday-esq sales and putting Santa out of business. Those letters that children mailed out were making him money. Companies would give Santa a hefty commission for every letter he got with a product of theirs on their. Santa was loaded and that’s why no one ever found where his HQ was in the North Pole, he had it camouflaged from the prying eye of the public to protect his life’s work.

So where is Mrs. Clause? I did some research and found out she was previously married to Jack Frost. He was quite rich back in the 60’s after he licensed his likeness for cartoons and such. She left him when he filed for bankruptcy and Jack was left out in the cold. It’s no surprise that she left Santa, he has been forced to do mall gigs just to get sales and volunteering for the Salvation Army. After digging through public and private records, I discovered that she left Santa in early 2005 and moved back in with Jack Frost around August 2005. She could live no more with the fading holiday icon. Jack Frost helped a young Steve Jobs start Apple Corp. and has since seen an increase in personal revenue. Santa and Mrs. Clause’s marriage had been in turmoil for some years and the fights only got worse as the money stopped coming in. Elves had to laid off, bills were going unpaid and the lavish lifestyle Mrs. Clause had become accustomed to was halted.

I managed to score an interview with The Man in Red and it was disastrous. He cried and cried, and showed me his extensive alcohol addiction. The big guy needs some love this season. So leave the gift giving to Santa this year and next. He needs to be needed, it’s his job and he’s being pushed out by the big corporations. Its another sad story of Mom and Pop goes under cause of BigCorp Global.

P.S. Santa if you’re reading this, you’ll find another woman. That gold-digging whore will know she made a big mistake when she left you. Jack Frost might have more money than God, but your heart is big and warm and overflowing with love. Jack Frost is cock.


About advilsmith

I enjoy writing nonsense and things I find funny but may be and are probably inappropriate to other people. I also enjoy a good rant every now and then. I have maintained several blogs in the past and all are just filled with ridiculous content. I believe the internet is here so I may extrude my strange thoughts and odd stories upon the masses. For what is the internet if not a place to reach out and entertain, inform, and be insane?
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