Martyr

He tried so hard to be a role model for the other students in his class, but they were too busy dissecting frogs and paying attention to the teachers. The others thought him a moron for even believing in what he did. When he graduated to the 6th grade he openly admitted that he was a hardcore Christian. Many times he would join a table in the lunch room, bible in hand, and berate the others for not bowing down to his great and powerful God. Now you can imagine what the others did to him after a while; Monday was a swirly, Tuesday he usually got a pretty good wedgie from Rick Thomas, Wednesday they left him alone because after Monday and Tuesday they didn’t feel like expending any more energy on him. Not many people liked being told they would fry in Hell if they didn’t repent and submit.

Now this went on through his schooling until his sophomore year in high school. He was used to being punched in the face and ridiculed by teachers and students alike, but he could take it no more. It was a Friday in November; the sun was out, the air smelled like dying trees and the neighbor’s cocker spaniel was happily shitting on old Mrs. Dugan’s roses. He grabbed a spade shovel and headed for the town cemetery. No one questioned him when he arrived as they were accustomed to him volunteering for all sorts of thing throughout town. He went to the very back, where the wood fences meet to make a 90 degree angle. He began to dig a hole, a proper grave hole. It took him 4 hours and when he was done it was dark, just as he’d expected. He prepared his things for departure.

It was 3 days before the towns people found the body of Rachird Burma. Most were very sad to learn of his fate and said many prayers for him. He was well loved by the people he helped, and those people where many. However there were a lot of people who despised him for being such a goody-good. It was really no reason to hate someone; he was just doing his part to spread kindness and love. His enemies defiled his grave, cursed his name, and did what they could to ensure people started to think ill of him. He did have people who watched over his resting place and cleaned up the trash around it. There was even a guard dog posted there after some weeks because it had gotten so bad.

Rachird had requested his note become public so all could read why he did what he did. It was posted in his church’s foyer for viewing and read as follows:

“My friends, family and enemies; you wonder why I have taken my own life and I shall explain in this letter. Friends and family, I did this so I may converse with the Almighty; so I may gather knowledge for my next life. I have left a great sum of money in my account that will be donated to the community. Use this for educating the children and feeding the hungry. Use this to house people in need and to let them bathe and keep warm. Spread love and kindness with this; do not use it for personal gain, please. I am happy to have spent my life helping those in need and those who would pay it forward or back, however they chose. Thank you all for your kindness and love let the warmth and light surround you always.

To my enemies: may you come to understand kindness and love before you depart from this world and I hope that your terrible deeds are forgiven. I pray that for every sour thing you do to someone, that someone delivers you a single rose. Soon you will see that kindness will overpower and you will find inner peace. You tortured me in life with your words and violence, I would ask why but I know you would only defile my name and my acts of kindness. I have never claimed to be a god or any sort of deity, only a man who wishes to see his fellow man prosper and smile, even on the rainiest of days.

So I ask of you as your friend, brother, enemy, and public servant, to please be kind to one another and practice patience. Do as our Lord instructed us to do and show love in all areas of our life. Your personal religion matters not, only that you accept and give love and a helping hand. One day you will know why I took my own life and you will be thankful for it. It may not impact the whole world, but if it helps to bring a community together then I have done what I set out to do.

-Rachird Burma”

Some years had passed since his death and people did what he asked. Everyone helped everyone, but some felt they were being sucked dry and the will to help was fading. Some people decided to take on more than they could handle, others did nothing at all. It was supposed to be a community effort. One winter morning while everyone was at church, Mrs. Lanisbury was out collecting her mail when she suddenly collapsed. No one was around to help except Rick Thomas.

********************

Rick Thomas was Rachird’s archenemy. He did everything in his power to reverse his good deeds. He had bullied him through his whole life and even in death. He was by most accounts, an evil person. Rick was suspected for all manner of crimes that happened in town; dogs found mutilated, homes destroyed, banks robbed, just a whole lot of bad things. He was even suspected to have killed Rachird, though he did not. He did do all those things, but the courts never had evidence and he had more power than anyone gave him credit for.

********************

When he was walking by and witnessed that Mrs. Lanisbury had collapsed, you wouldn’t have expected him to do anything but exacerbate the situation. Instead something came over him, some strange wash of light and warmth. He didn’t know what it was and didn’t even bother to contemplate what it could be. He dashed towards Mrs. Lanisbury and carried her to his car and drove her to the hospital. When he arrived he placed her in a wheelchair and yelled for assistance. The cops immediately cuffed him, thinking he was to blame for her being in the hospital. He was jailed without possibility to get out. This is what the townsfolk had been waiting for; evidence to jail up the monster.

Mrs. Lanisbury made a full recovery and everyone was pleased. The hospital staff discharged her and sent her on her way home. A deputy stopped her before she left the hospital, “Mrs. Lanisbury, did Rick Thomas cause your hospitalization?”

“Why no, he was the one who got me to help. Without him I would be a goner!” she laughed as she left the hospital leaving the deputy scratching his head.

“Mr. Thomas, you are free to go.” Said the cop in attendance.

“Thank you very much.”

“Just one thing before you go; we’ve been wondering why you had a sudden change of heart. The whole town was sure you had hurt Mrs. Lanisbury.”

Rick stopped walking, turned around and a very uncharacteristic smile formed on his face, and he told the officer, “I got to thinking that morning; the morning she collapsed, that maybe Rachird was right. Maybe I ought to be nice to people and not hurt anyone. I took her collapsing as a sign that I could repent and show some much needed kindness to someone. I suppose, if it’s ok with you guys, I make up for all my badness by doing community service, like Rachird did.”

The officers didn’t know what to say. They stood there with their eyes wide and jaws dropped, “Yea… yeah, I guess so.”

“Thank you, have a blessed day.” Rick said. He smiled big and walked out of the police department. The officers noticed something in his smile. His eyes had an odd twinkle in them; a twinkle they knew. It was as if Rachird was looking at them. Later that day the officer who was watching over him at the jail left for home. He pulled in his driveway but didn’t shut his car off yet and sat there thinking about what had happened; he was still confused about all of it. The officer pulled back out and drove to Rick Thomas’ house and parked in front. He walked around back and found out why the change happened. Rick Thomas’ back yard was a rose garden, overflowing with roses. It was incredible, and the officer knew then that kindness had, as Rachird’s suicide note said, prevailed.

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A Lesson in the Tactics of Commercialism

Some people find it hard to believe that the level of consumerism in the United States has reached and all time low. By employing statistics found in recent studies, anyone can develop a sense of consciousnesses about the current state of market failure. The decline of the consumerist market in the lower 48 contiguous United States is showing a what experts call a “valley of savings”. Which basically means that a majority of people are saving rather than spending, and therefore are not stimulating the economy. It is also imperative to note that in a world-wide perspective, the U.S. is in the top 10 nations who’s economies are are on the rise. Taking that into account, what could this mean on a global level? It could mean one of several things; it could mean that other countries are in a mega slump or it could mean that a static waiver is in place.

Now this isn’t common knowledge, most consumers are blissfully unaware of these goings-on. While people go to work, raise children, get unashamedly drunk at college night, the experts are compiling datum to ensnare the consumer into spending all the saving they have worked to save in order to spend. A root cause of this notion of spending-savings loop is a law passed by none other than the late Herbert Hoover. While in office he elected to back a law enabling corporations to market to any group of person with a meager cash flow, such as poverty stricken people who’s income is barely enough to drink with.

You may be asking yourself, “Why is this allowed to happen? I should be able to work to save money so I can spend it on whatever I choose! I should not be subject to these atrocious marketing schemes!” Take the following into consideration before you go and empty your bank account: All marketing employees and lobbyists are out to engage in a war on your wallet and will do whatever it takes to get you to save as much as possible so they can, in time, empty your wallet of it’s contents by marketing products that have no relevance to your life and will only serve to create household clutter.

Taking that into consideration, one might expect themselves to remain calm in knowing that by the time a lobbyist marketing firm development agency can make a move for you cash flow, you will already be a rotting corpse. It is by this that we can know with confidence that our monies are safe in our means of saving and w can go on spending our hard earned money on things that are useful for maybe only a fraction of a month.  It is human nature to purchase an object and be excited about it for roughly 2-3 weeks, only then to be dulled by the same object and then find ourselves wishing we had not made such a frivolous purchase of that object. In my studies at Harvard and Cornell I have witnessed many a student come stumbling into my classroom after a raucous drunken night, still smelling of Captain Morgan and hooker sweat. When I reprimand these students, I make sure to let them know they are being take advantage of by the system when they go out and work and spend money at bars and clubs and throw money at stripping women/men thinking that yo-lo. I tell them this: “You should be spending ALL your money on this college course so one day you can look back and wish that you had spent all your money on hookers and cocaine and cheap beer, because your college degree will get you maybe close to your selected field of study but not nearly all the way there. You MUST work hard, study hard, regret hard or you will not die hard.” It is with this statement that I have helped to create a generation of mindless retards who know trigonometry like they know how to piss while drunk and not know how to live a life filled happyness and fulfillment.

“Save your money, spend your money. In the end it doesn’t even matter. You’ll just be food for the worms anyways.” -Mark Twain

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A Story with Pictures!

So I started writing a compilation of short stories that anyone with a hard erection can enjoy I even threw some basic HTML tags in there to make look like real website Why did I do this Because I can that’s why now go read the first shitty story and tell me how much you want to perform fellatio on your mom’s pet rooster

Now if I really gave a shit I would use correct punctuation so this wasn’t one massive run-on sentence but I i’m too busy not fucking caring about it also last night i had a dream that i bought twelve eggs and used them to

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Are those clouds?

I can’t quite figure it out. I look out my window and its, its strange. Not like it was yesterday, yesterday was sunny and the hill in my front yard was beautifully mowed. Now I don’t know. There is a strange moon there now. Don’t get me wrong, it is stunningly beautiful but I can’t wrap my head around how it would change so dramatically overnight.

Me and my wife, Demutes Ocmyn live in a city called Mocturep. It nice i suppose but there is an awful lot of traffic and new people come and go all the time. When we moved here it was sunny, still a lot of coming and going, but it was nice. A good place to raise family

I guess I shouldn’t be too worried about it, maybe I’ll just sleep it off. Could have been that virus I caught last week. Oh well.

 

********THE NEXT MORNING********

 

Well it’s still there but this time I’m pretty sure I saw god. This strange flying thing, grabbing and moving things! I swear I saw it create a new city out of nothing! I must be sick or something. I knew it was god when I saw it pick East Wentrok and it just disappeared! I was very scared to say the least. I then looked out to the south and saw a giant building being erected out of now where! what was happening to this place. We were getting crowded by all sorts of new cities and people. I knew I had to do something to protect my home. I figured since I work at the Capital Building, I could maybe pull some string to get whatever this was to stop once and for all. I threw up warning signs all over the city and surrounding areas, shutdown the highways and some back roads that were becoming congested. Nothing could stop this thing! It had to be god, it got through all stops and it even managed to dismantle the road blocks.

I was becoming frustrated at this Mad God. How could he disturb the whole populace like this?! I had one more trick up my sleeve. I caledl the Governor and put in a request to shut the power grid down. It seemed like this Mad God relied on our precious power grid to wreak havoc across the land. The power grid was shut down and for a moment everything was quiet. 

I woke up the next morning confused. It didn’t feel like a day had passed. The strange moon was still there and that new city that the Mad God had created was there too. I called the Governor to see if he knew what had happened.

“Hello?”
“Hi, Mr. Governor, its me Adam.”
“Who? I don’t know an Adam.”
“It’s me, Adam Straytor! I put in the request to shut down the power grid.”
“Hrmm, its showing here in our files that it was JackHandy-WaccaWacca, who put the request in. We have no record of an Adam Straytor. Sorry sir.”

I fought for a bit, but it was futile. I went home and not even my wife recognized me. This was becoming irritating. Then I saw him. The Mad God. He ruined my life! I waited for him to pass me, and when he did I went for him. I gave it all I had, and I think I did some damage, but not before-

 

 

 

 

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For Love or not for Love?

I was reading through some FB comments on a picture. This picture:

Image

 

 

First off let me say that I murdered several drifters just so I could give this linebacker more thumbs up than I could physically give. 

One of these comments struck me in a way. Not a bad way or anything just a way. Someone had commented that the line backer is bad cause he is fighting fie with fire. Another person said this:

” To all those who say “So you’re stopping violence with the threat of more violence”, I say this,
Standing up for someone who cannot defend themselves is the greatest expression of compassion and humanity. Standing shoulder to shoulder with someone is a fundamental principle of society. 
The linebacker is awesome because he chooses to stand up for what he believes in, the freedom to love another human being. He has been shown that to defend another is not weakness, but a sign of strength of personality. Good on him.”

I agree 100%. But it seems that when ever we talk about gay rights its always about the right to love another person and NEVER about just being accepted or rather RESPECTED as the person you are. At least lately anyways, or maybe I just don’t listen to enough NPR (that’s silly I ALWAYS listen to NPR). Of course people should be able to love whoever they want and as far as I’m concerned whatever they want (eg. I love lamp). The comment struck me as this: We have been fighting for equal marriage for a while now and it has become a huge issue (why I’ll never know). Our gay brothers and sisters are being ridiculed still for just being gay. It almost makes me irritated when everyone just throws the word ‘love’ around and that’s it and never, “Lets make sure our fellow HUMANS can live without fear of being punched in the face cause they are gay. Yes, the whole being gay is very centrally about who you love, in terms of emotional things, but not any more than being straight is. There are plenty of straight people who choose to live alone, without a partner/wife/husband/apple pie/etc. I’m sure there are also plenty of gay people who choose not to have a partner/wife/husband/apple pie/etc and if they choose to be open about their sexual preference, they run the risk of being ridiculed, possibly loosing their job or home because of narrow-minded discrimination.

Please, love whoever it is that fills the void in your heart. But lets not forget that just because a person is gay, doesn’t quite mean that they, personally, want love. Maybe they just want to be RESPECTED as a friend or a co-worker or boss or and apple pie baker.

***************************

Gay Person: I am gay

Other Person: Oh, well you should love whoever you want!

Gay person: Love is bullshit, love is for the weak. I just think penis/vagina is hot. So fuck off please.

Other person: But i thought you being gay, you would want to love someone?

Gay Person: Hey, got a pro tip for you. Don’t assume things before you know a person. You can keep that for free, next time you need advice I’ll charge you up the ass! HAHAHA! 

**************************

I am sure this is something that is not unknown or ignored but I feel the need to say this because sometimes it feels like this whole topic is dominated by one face of the WHOLE issue. Respect is the key and always will be.

 

Note: I am a straight man, so I know nothing about being a gay man so maybe I am wrong. if i am please no hesitate to send me a picture of your middle finger or just leave a comment 🙂

Also, if you’re offended then I guess you should find a sense of humor. I hear eBay has them on sale. Maybe amazon… not sure really.

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Good Memories

I once had a dog, his name was Jack.
Everyday we’d be on some adventure or mission, sometimes we would just sit
down by the river. We were inseparable us two. Destined for greatness, I
could see it so clearly then. Me and jack the first best friends to land on
the moon ever, it was gonna be great. So I went out to my dads garage and
put together a spaceship. It had a window and an engine that was really
just a bunch of spray paint cans taped together. It had the tail-fins and
landing gear. It was all so perfect.

I used the next whole week after school and homework to prepare for launch,
kids were gonna be talking about me and jack forever!

It was launch day and everything was perfect, right down to the neon yellow
and black duct taping on the launch pad.
“Engines starting!” I said in my best professional voice, “T minus 5
minutes to launch.”
I called for Jack, he was my co-pilot after all.
“Jack! Come here boy! Time to make history we gotta land on the moon and
stick OUR flag up there!” Our flag was an off white pillow case with our
hand and paw prints on it and our names.

I could hear him barking, he sounded as excited as I was. I ran out the
front yard and saw him playing with the neighbors dog and Susie, she went
to my school.
“Come on Jack we got a rocket to fly!” I whistled and he came running as
fast as he could across the road, but before I could even pet him one last
time a big blue truck took m best friend away from me.

******

That was 68 years ago now. I never did get to land on the moon. In fact I
never even got to see a moon landing and I never had another dog either. I
still have that rocket and launch pad in my garage. I tried giving it to my
son but he didn’t want to ‘make history’ like his old man did. Maybe
someday after I’m long gone, some kid will have my same vision and can use
that old rickety contraption to visit his moon and then me and Jack can
finally make history together.

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Getting Caught Up in Freedom

There is only on thing to do about this. I can’t be bothered to make peace with a war-torn nation or implement diplomatic strategies to end all the violence. Yes, there is only one thing I can do. I reached into my oak desk and fished around for a moment, papers rustling and the sound pens and other trinkets clattering about near the back of the drawer. I grasped firmly the tool of absolution, the tool which would end this silly battle for coffee and llama fur.

“Sir, what is it?” that’s my assistant, Josef Sollaur private first class.

“It’s a stick of Nag Champa incense.”
“What? How will that help?”
I gave that bitch some serious stank eye, “It will help me make my retirement speech you dumb ass. This war is over for me, you can have my job. You know what, fuck it, you’re promoted to 4 star general. I’m out of here.”

And with that I walked out of my office where I spent so many years wasting away, drinking cheap booze and yelling at Josef. I was finally free, and happy. I walked out of the building, took a deep breath of fresh free air and was immediately shot in the forehead. Guess I forgot I was in a war camp behind enemy lines, whoops, my bad.

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